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Funny Poker Quotes

Poker is a lot like sex. Everyone thinks they are the best, but most don’t have a clue what they are doing.

“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” ~ Steven Wright

“Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.” ~ George Carlin

“The next best thing about gambling and winning is gambling and losing.” ~ Nick “The Greek” Dandalos

“Money isn’t everything unless you’re playing a rebuy tournament.” ~ Unknown

“If there weren’t luck involved, I would win every time.” ~ Phil Hellmuth

“Trust everyone but always cut the cards.” ~ Benny Binion

“If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s you.” ~ Paul Newman

“Poker has the feeling of a sport, but you don’t have to do push-ups.” ~ Penn Gillette

“Bad beats will, from time to time, still rob you like a crack addict with an empty pipe.” ~ Rick Dacey

“Going on tilt is not ‘mixing up your play.’” ~ Steve Badger

“Poker is a lot like sex. Everyone thinks they are the best, but most don’t have a clue what they are doing.” ~ Dutch Boyd

“You played that hand like a vegan.” ~ Erick Linderer (to Daniel Negreanu)

“May the flop be with you.” ~ Doyle Brunson

“Poker is 100% skill and 50% luck.” ~ Phil Hellmuth

“It’s not whether you won or lost, but how many bad beat stories you were able to tell.” ~ Grantland Rice

“I never saw a poker player’s money that I did not like.” ~ Oklahoma Johnny Hale

“It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to be good at poker.” ~ Phil Gordon

“They say poker is a zero-sum game. It must be, because every time I play my sum ends up zero.” ~ Max Shapiro

“No river, no fish.” ~ Amarillo Slim

“The beautiful thing about poker is that everybody thinks they can play.” ~ Chris Moneymaker

“The guy who invented poker was bright, but the guy who invented the chip was a genius.” ~ Julius “Big Julie” Weintraub

“I must complain the cards are ill-shuffled till I have a good hand.” ~ Jonathan Swift

“Old card players never die, they just shuffle away.” ~ Unknown

“No-limit holdem: Hours of boredom followed by moments of sheer terror.” ~ Tom McEvoy

“If you play bridge badly, you make your partner suffer, but if you play poker badly you make everybody happy.” ~ Joe Laurie, Jr.

“To be a poker champion you must have a strong bladder.” ~ Jack McClelland

“I don’t play any two suited cards. I play any two non-suited cards. That way I’m drawing at two different flushes.” ~ Amarillo Slim

“Every poker player, like every fisherman, needs to have a story in a box, and most poker stories are completely uninteresting.” ~ Jason Alexander

“Omaha is a game that was invented by a Sadist and is played by Masochists.” ~ Shane Smith

“Poker is generally thought to be America’s second most popular after-dark activity. Sex is good, they say, but poker lasts longer.” ~ Al Alvarez

“Dogs are lousy poker players. When they get a good hand, they wag their tails.” ~ Unknown

Blog Credit – Upswing Poker